Chapter Text
To say this was the most nervous Shane has been in his entire life would be an understatement. He wasn't this scared even in his first game as a Rookie. There was no way this was going to go well. He didn’t know how to talk to people, not enough to make them understand him.
He stared at the last text from Ilya, as a sort of comfort. He always understood him.
Lily: Things are hard now. Sorry. Talk more later.
He didn’t tell Rozanov about this. About his resolution to come out. Didn’t want to put even more on his plate. Didn’t want him to worry.
Because if Ilya cared about him, and Shane really thinks he does, there was no way this was not going to affect him. It wasn't very long ago that they talked about his sexuality in that Tampa hotel room.
He was dealing with enough shit back in Russia. His family was shitty, and now his dad has died. Even if Rozanov’s father was terrible, it was a horrific situation.
Just thinking about it made Shane feel stupid. Ilya was back in a country that would imprison him for doing what they did, maybe even kill him, with a family that mistreated him, making his mood go sour after every call. And Shane was having a pity party about telling his friends, in a country where homophobia was considered hate speech and gay marriage was legalized (Toronto had one of the largest pride parades in the world, for God's sake), that he liked boys because he was afraid of being considered strange by them. Comparing their situations, he didn’t even have grounds to complain.
Ilyas' situation was situated on another level of fucked up. Shane will tell him later, when the storm passes.
The rest of the team was just now getting to the meeting room, looking as if they had just rolled out of bed. It was early for a team talk, but it was the only good time before the trip. They would be flying to Vegas for the award ceremony in less than three hours. This meeting, the “after-season” meeting, was more of a formality than anything else. It's just a way for the higher-ups to give the guidelines for the summer and make announcements about the new sponsorships.
However, it was the perfect opportunity to talk to everyone at the same time.
He, his mom, and his lawyer had already talked to the Montreal board of investors in the last two weeks, discussing the implications of his predicament. They weren't happy; that part was clear, but he was their star player. Shane was the most well-paid player in the league; he was responsible for more than half of the team's sponsorships. They would not throw him out because of this matter.
But that didn’t stop his resolve from crumbling piece by piece as the meeting went on. Shane was not known for his ability to talk to people. That was, in fact, his Achilles heel. He was going to mess this up. It was inevitable.
Playing hockey was the easy part of his life. In the ice, there were no secret social rules that he had to try to navigate. It was fun and simple. He had a list of rules that he had to follow, a position to fulfil. Everything was laid out for him to do.
What he was about to do, however, there was no guide for.
He was not going to be dumb about this; some of these guys would not take well to the news of him being gay, he knew that. He was not that naive.
It was just that he didn’t want to believe it.
They were his friends. The only ones that he had besides his parents and... Ilya. Did Rozanov consider him a friend? He didn’t want them to turn on him, to find him a freak. But there was always a possibility. A possibility that this could go very wrong.
Fuck...
That’s why his lawyer, with the help of his mom, of course, crafted a non-disclosure agreement that he was going to make everyone sign. A contract too expensive for any of these guys to think about opening their mouths. Shane was the best player in the league, aside from Ilya; a secret like this was worth an absurd amount of money.
That was also the reason that he was going to come out as bisexual, even if he didn’t like girls, and maybe, as the years go on, one day, he could admit to being what he truly was.
Not that being Bi would be less of an announcement, but it was easier to accept. It was closer to being straight.
It was closer to being normal.
He was pulled out of his head by the voice of his coach, “... anyone want to say something? If not, we're done here.”
He cleared his throat, and all the eyes of the room were directed to him. This was his worst nightmare. Shane hated being the center of attention outside of the rink.
It was not weird for him to say something; he was the captain after all, but the energy that he was letting off was dark, and he knew that everyone could feel it.
They probably expected him to say something about the fact that there was only one more season until he was a free agent. About the possibility of him leaving the team. But that was an easier conversation than the one that was going to happen now.
“I need to talk about something, but before I do, I need you guys to sign these promising not to tell anyone about what was going to be discussed.” The files were pushed to the center of the table. The pile was hefty.
“Hey man, what is this about?” The look on Hayden’s face was worried; he had noticed that something was wrong since they met today. “Does this have something to do with your injury?”
Shane dismissed the comment with a shake of the head. But that didn’t ease the worry in his friend's eyes.
The papers were signed, and Shane checked them, one by one, even the one by his coach. He knew about it already, but it was to ease his anxiety.
When everything was in order and stored in his bag, he gathered his courage and began speaking.
“So... everyone saw what Scott Hunter did in the last game. I think you all were as surprised as I was about the news.” He focused on his hands; he couldn’t look at the faces of his colleagues right now. “But for me, it was a little different. I don’t want what I’m going to say now to interfere with our team... but it needs to be said. I can’t keep hiding it from everyone. Keep lying to you.”
Putting on the best confident face he could muster, the one he used for the press conferences, he faced the players again.
“I’m bissexual.” The words were spoken slowly, not because it was the way he intended to, but because it was hard to say them after hiding for so long, after he denied this for years. “I like women, but I also... like... men.”
The words left his lips, and it was as if time had stopped; no one in the room made any kind of movement.
Inside Shane’s head, all alarm bells were activated.
He just did it.
He put the most guarded secret of his life on display. And the faces around him showed disbelief.
“You are joking? Is this real?” J.J. asked in French, as if Shane had scarred the English out of him.
He shook his head. The lying stopped here.
The flood of voices started.
“Is this because of your actor friends?”
“Did Rose break up with you because of it?”
“Maybe you just didn’t meet the right girl yet.”
“Man, that’s gross!”
That world stood out to him. Gross.
Is that what he was to his friends now? The people he spends every day with? The people whom he led to two consecutive cup wins?
One confession and all the friendship, all the admiration that they had for him was thrown in the trash?
“Since when?”
That was a loaded question. He didn’t even know how to respond to that. He had just recently come to terms with his sexuality, but he was always like this. “Since ever, I think.”
His eyes started burning.
It was always like this; when it became too much, the tears came.
He could hold them. He could be confident; he could be better.
A hand on his shoulder took him out of his train of thought. Hayden was looking at him.
There were no accusations in his eyes, no disgust; it was all worry and surprise. In moments like this, he could see the Dad in Hayden; he was natural at it, picked up the little details.
“Guys, nothing about this leaves this fucking room. Not a single word. You signed a contract, remember that. We need to go. If we don't leave now, we're gonna miss the flight. We can discuss this matter better later.” The room was silent again. If looks could kill, Hayden would have everyone at that table out cold. He never sounded so serious as he did now. Shane was so grateful for his best friend.
One by one, they left, shooting looks at Shane that he could not decipher, but could tell were not good.
J.J. was the last one to leave, and it was as if he wanted to say something, but couldn't; Shane knew that feeling well.
When the room was empty, aside from Shane and Hayden, the first thing that the other man did was hug him. And the tears that Hollander was trying so hard to keep at bay finally escaped. “I’m not mad, I promise.”
It was strange and a little bit uncomfortable, but Shane was grateful for it nonetheless. It was not often that he got physical comfort like this. His parents did it less and less as the years went by. And he and Ilya only entered the “not-sex-related-touches” phase recently.
When they separated, the first thing that the other man said was, “Why didn’t you ever tell me? I know I would never-”
“Until some weeks ago, I hadn’t told anybody.” He wiped the tears from his face, catching his breath. “Until some weeks ago, I didn’t think I would ever tell somebody about this.”
~~~
Both the ride to the airport and the flight were unusually quiet for the Montreal team. All Shane could hear was the whispers of the other players. Nothing loud enough for him to understand what they were saying, but the tone was clear. It was definitely not a sign of acceptance.
Hayden tried to distract him, talking about the kids, but it didn’t work. Jackie's due date was set to be three weeks from now. He only came on the trip because they were flying today for the awards and coming back tomorrow morning.
This was the type of schedule Shane would usually hate because it left virtually no time to meet with Ilya. But he actually was grateful for it this time, not just because Rozanov wouldn’t be there, but because after today's meeting, all he wanted was to be back at home, where no one would look at him as if he were a freak.
The team was scheduled to have lunch when they arrived at the hotel, but Shane did not have an appetite, and they probably don't serve anything close to his diet anyway.
He went straight to his room and sent a message to Ilya.
Jane: Everything okay?
Lily: A Lot of things to do. Family coming to the funeral.
Jane: If you need something, I’m here.
~~~
Scott Hunter’s speech was beautiful. You could really see the love in his eyes. Shane wondered if he had the same shine in his eyes when he talked about Ilya. The answer had to be no, because if it was yes, there was no way everyone wouldn’t have noticed. Well.
Someone had noticed.
Scott Hunter noticed.
It was a mere coincidence that he and Scott ended up on the same balcony to cool off at the after-party. But it allowed Shane to address the elephant in the room.
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t know you were here, Rook. If you want, I can leave.” Hunter’s voice was tired, but Shane knew he was being genuine; if Hollander wanted to be alone, Scott would leave.
He really was a good guy. Shane felt a little bit of embarrassment over their fight on the ice.
“No. It's okay. You must need some fresh air. Big night for you.” Everyone was at Hunter’s throat at the party, trying to make him spill more than he already had, invading his personal space.
It made Shane worried about what would happen to him once it was his turn to announce things. He did not have Scott Hunter’s charm.
“Yeah, you know how the media can be sometimes. They blow everything out of proportion.” Copying Shane, he rested his arms on the railing.
“What you did was big. It's gonna take some time for it to cool down.” That was an understatement. Scott was the first man to come out in the history of the MLH.
Hunter eyed him, as if looking for something, then looked at the view.
“I’m thankful... for what you did.” His eyes zapped back to Shane at an unbelievable speed. “I know you did it for yourself, but it gave me courage. It changed things for me.”
“Hollander, you-?”
“Yeah... but you already knew that.” There was no point in denying it.
Hunter took a long, deep breath.
“I had a suspicion.” His voice was low, but steady. “I’m sorry for the comment I made at that game. I was mad about the losses and used something I shouldn’t have to hurt you.”
“I’ts okay. Part of the game-”
“No, it's not.” Scott cut him again. “That's the sort of shit that makes people like us stay in the closet. It's the kind of stuff that made me miserable every day.”
Shane was caught by surprise. He didn’t have a response to that. It was true.
“Do you and Rozanov-”
“No.” Now it was Shane who interrupted Hunter. “We were not a item or anything like that.” He tried sounding convincing, “It happened just once, a long time ago. He isn’t like me, like us...” and in the end, it wasn't even a complete lie. Ilya was different.
Ilya liked girls.
He could be normal; he didn’t have to go through this.
“Oh... sorry. I just thought...” He looked confused, as if Hollander and Rozanov being a couple was something so stable in his mind. Something that he was accustomed to.
“I know.” He sighed.
Shane checked his phone.
No new messages from Lily.
“Don't worry, I won't tell anybody about you, or about him. Even if there is nothing to tell.”
The noise of the party got louder.
“I think I should probably go back inside.”
“Yeah...”
Scott turned to walk to the door, but didn’t move.
“Look, Hollander, you’re a god kid. Don't get involved with the kind of people who just want to use you as a taste test. Just because we are the way we are, it doesn't mean we don't deserve love. That we don't deserve...” He paused, meditating on the word.” ...sunshine.”
The tears once more filled Shane's eyes, but this time he didn’t let them roll down.
He wanted to tell Hunter that it wasn’t like that. He wanted to scream that Ilya was a good guy, that he would never treat anyone like this. That he was soft, and gentle, and funny, and kind.
But he couldn’t tell anyone that.
That was not his secret to spill.
“I know we're not close, but we're in the same boat. If you need to talk to someone who understands your situation, give me a text, okay?”
Shane looked back at the view. The city landscape was beautiful at night.
“Okay... see you next season”.
“See you next season, Rook.” And with that, he was gone.
~~~
If Shane thought that the flight to Vegas had been terrible, the flight back home was even worse.
There was something new in the air around the team. Something that made him feel like a kiked puppy.
Hayden and Jackie had invited him to dinner. And, after the support Hayden had been giving him, he couldn’t say no. His stomach had been tossing and turning all day; he had only eaten a protein shake.
“Hi, come inside.” Jackie ushered them through the door. The smell of grilled chicken was all around the house. It smelled like a home, like love. “Girls, Uncle Shane is here!”
The two little rascals came running. Ruby is always more chaotic than Jade. They jumped on his legs and started a mess of sentences that he couldn’t even begin to understand because they talked too fast.
Seeing Hayden’s family often made Shane think about having kids of his own someday. A kid with his eyes and Ilya’s hair. It was biologically impossible, but that didn’t stop his daydreaming.
“Let’s eat first, and then Uncle Shane can play.”
Little Arthur was already in the high chair by the dinner table.
~~~
After the kids had been put to bed, the mood took a turn for the worse. Shane knew that Hayden hadn’t told Jackie about his... confession. He wouldn’t tell her, not until he got Shane’s green light to do it, but she could sense that something was wrong.
Jackie was one of the most caring and sensible people Shane knew; he wanted to tell her. However, after so many bad reactions, he felt afraid.
“So, was everything okay on the trip?” It was an attempt to clear the mood. But, before anyone could answer, Shane’s phone started to ring.
Incoming call from Lily.
Shit.
“Sorry, guys, just one minute, I have to answer this.” He didn’t even wait for a response, going straight for the back door. Ilya was more important.
He found a place to sit in the backyard.
“How are you?”
“Okay. Not good.” He didn’t sound okay; his voice was rough, and he sounded like he had cried. “Probably bad.”
Just the thought of Ilya crying alone, in fucking Russia of all places, made Shane's heart clench.
“How’s your family?” It was not Shane’s intention to be a snoop; he hoped Ilya hadn’t interpreted his question that way.
“At their worst.” A long breath followed the statement. “My brother is... I don't know. Scared. Makes him terrible, and it makes me terrible back.”
“Is it very upsetting?” Shane wanted to hug Ilya as he did in that hotel room in Tampa Bay. Hug him forever and shield him from every person who hurts him.
“Yes. But... maybe I am upset about the wrong thing. I... I wish it could be different. I wish he could know me, or...” He sighed. “I don't know. I don't know. English is too hard right now.”
“I wish I spoke Russian.”
“You could probably learn it in a week. No accent. Mister perfect.”
Ilya didn’t know that Shane had destroyed that facade less than forty-eight hours ago. That his public image was hanging by a thread. But now was not the moment to talk about that.
Shane heard a strange noise coming from the background of the call. “Are you at home?”
“No. Just walking. I needed to get out.” He sounded so tired, like the weight of the world was on his shoulders.
What could Shane do to ease his burden?
He wishes he were good with this: talking to people.
One idea crossed his mind.
“Hey... I have an idea. How about you tell me everything that's on your mind, but in Russian. I won't understand, but maybe it will help.”
It took a long time for Ilya to respond, and Shane started to wonder if he had said the wrong thing again.
He was already beating himself over it when the answer came.
“Okay.”
And then it was as if the floodgates opened. Ilya talked faster than Hollander had ever heard him speak. The words were strong, rough around the edges. There was an enormous amount of emotion in them.
The exasperation only increased as time went on. And soon Shane noticed that Ilya was crying.
His heart almost stopped beating.
Fuck the media, fuck hockey, fuck Putin.
Shane wanted to get on a plane immediately. But he couldn’t do it. And it hurt.
~~~
“Okay, I’m done.” Shane finally opened his eyes.
“Do you feel better?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
Shane wished he could do more. He wanted to understand Ilya.
“Maybe you could teach me Russian someday.” The idea was genuine. He wanted Ilya to have someone to talk to in his own language.
“Yeah, okay. Only useful phrases.” The usual cockines was back. It was a relief.
“Like what?”
“I don't know, like ‘harder, please’ and ‘yes, sir’.” Shane laughed. The ability that Rozanov had to lighten the mood with banter was one of the many things he loved about him.
“Fuck you.” He didn’t mean it.
“No, more like ‘fuck me please’.” It was so good to hear his joking voice.
Shane’s resolve to be who he was had once again been fuelled. He was going to do this.
Feeling courageous, he told Ilya how he really felt. “How about... I wish you were here right now.”
Ilya’s voice came back, but Shane didn't understand what he said; it was in Russian again.
~~~
When he came back inside, Hayden and Jackie were on the couch, her head resting on his shoulder. The scene was lovely, and it filled Shane’s head with fantasies of a home life with Ilya, resting on the couch after a long day of playing in the lake.
Jackie's eyes found his face, and they were so gentle. “Shane... is everything okay? You’re acting strange since you got here, even the girls noticed.”
“Sorry, it was not my intention to worry you. It's just that I’ve been hiding this for so long that staying quiet is simply the norm.” He sat on the loveseat across from the couple; this was a conversation that he would rather not be standing for.
“Hiding what?”
“I’m gay.” And it wasn't so hard to say the third time around.
Maybe that was the trick; maybe if he kept saying it, it would become easier.
“I thought you said you were Bi?” Hayden intervened.
“I just said that because I thought it would be easier on the team.” His eyes started burning again, and it was hard to explain himself. “I don't like girls at all... not like that.”
Jackie straightened herself on the couch.
“Do you want me to act surprised, or can I be truthful?”
Shane’s eyes flashed to her face, where a small smile was waiting for him. A whispered “What?” was all he could muster.
“Look, it's not that you are bad at hiding or anything, but you always gave signs.” She took her husband's hand. ”Every time we're together, there is this look on your face, like you think that what Hayden and I have is something impossible for you to achieve.” She paused. “At first, I thought it was because of some previous relationship that ended badly, but then I started paying more attention. You never talked about girls, not the way that the other guys on the team do, and every time one of them made a... pejorative comment... I could see the flash of hurt in your eyes.”
He took a deep breath, processing the information.
“I told them.” He lowered his gaze to his hands. “It didn’t go well.”
“Oh, Shane...” Jackie got up and sat next to him, her hands a welcome comfort in his back.
~~~
By Jackie’s demand, Shane was going to sleep at their house tonight. He didn't fight it. This was definitely better than being alone at his Montreal apartment. Maybe here he could actually get some sleep.
He had already changed into his sleep clothes when Jackie appeared at the door of the guest room.
“Everything all right?”
“Yeah. The room is great, thank you.”
With certain unease, she entered the bedroom and locked the door behind her.
“Shane, I haven't been totally honest with you.” She took his hand and sat with him in the bed. “I can be wrong, but there is more to this than just you being gay, isn’t there?” Her tone was innocent. “Do you like someone?”
Shane’s throat started closing. He couldn’t gather up the strength to lie, so he just stayed quiet.
“Does that someone happen to be... Rozanov, by any chance?”
His face contorted with despair.
What happened? What did she know? How did she find out? How much did she know?
Shane’s mouth opened, but his mind couldn’t formulate anything for him to say.
“Hey, it's okay. It’s okay.”
“How...?”
“I had my suspicions since 2014, at the cup finals,” Shane remembered that day. It was during a time when he and Ilya weren't communicating after their encounter at the Olympics. He had been so happy for him, so proud. “You were so focused on the TV, even when everyone had already left the couch. The look on your face was not one you would direct at a rival. There was love in your eyes, Shane.”
She looked down and started caressing her pregnant belly.
“For a long time, I thought I was making it up, but then you got hurt during the playoffs, and it looked like Rozanov had just whistled the end of the world. He barely got through the rest of the game, Shane. It was like he was desperate for it to end.”
“It’s not... Jackie, it’s not like that. Were not... I’m not...”
“I’m not gonna tell anyone, Shane, not even Hayden. But you deserve someone to talk to about this, someone who’s not going to judge you or sell your secrets. I’m your friend. I’m here for you. You can talk to me.”
He was not surprised when he felt the tears running down his face.
Shane loved Jackie so much. It felt so good to know that he would have at least one friend after this shit show. That there was one person in the world whom he didn’t have to lie to. One person he could be his true self with.
One person he could tell how much he loved Ilya, something that he hadn’t even told Ilya yet.
~~~
The next day, Shane woke up with the sound of Hayden's voice.
“Shane, wake up! We have to go! The team called an emergency meeting.”
~~~
The drive to the rink was silent. Shane's nerves were all over the place.
This was not good. This couldn’t be good.
They went straight to the meeting room, and everyone was already there.
As soon as Shane entered, the space went silent. Hayden was the first to say something.
“What is this about?” He sounded angry.
“Boys, please sit down.” Theriault’s face was sour as he spoke.
“I don't want to sit down. I want to know what the fuck is happening here!” The other players were avoiding looking in their direction.
Their coach exhaled. “Your colleagues went to upper management with some concerns about... workplace safety.”
Shane didn’t understand.
“Workplace safety? What does that mean? Stop with the corporate bullshit already.” Hayden slammed his hand on the table.
“The team doesn’t feel comfortable playing with Hollander after knowing about his... preferences. Thankfully, we could arrange some trade offers even this late into his contract. Hollander is a good player; he'll do well in any team he is on.”
Shane’s world shattered.
Not even in his worst nightmares could he have predicted this outcome.
He really toughed that the worst thing that could happen was getting left out.
“You’re throwing him out over this? Seriously? All these years carrying you guys on his back and you throw him out at the first opportunity?”
“It's a matter of logistics, Pike; it's him or the rest of the team. We can't trade an entire team.” He did sound a little apologetic. “These are your options, kid; they will take you by the end of the month.”
He handed Shane a pile of folders.
“You’re all in this?” He had never heard Hayden so angry. “Even you, J.J.?” Hearing this, J.J.'s face morphed into embarrassment.
Shane should really call his management and his mom.
~~~
Three days after that, at one in the morning, Shane finally had the time to call Ilya.
He had signed the contract with his new team less than 10 hours ago.
His life was finally back in order. He could still play hockey.
When Ilya’s voice flooded the line, Shane swore he felt the weight being taken off his shoulders.
“Shane? Everything okay?” He sounded so worried. “You did not answer my texts.”
“Yeah... sorry about that. There was just too much happening at once.”
“What? Your team finally convinced you to party after the awards, and you got sick? You look like a wet kitten in the photos.” he laughed, and it sounded so beautiful. Ilya looked angelic when he was happy. Shane wished he could see his face.
He had opted for a voice call instead of a FaceTime because he was afraid that Rozanov would notice his puffy eyes.
“They're not my team anymore...” It hurt so much to say that. It was the hard truth.
As of today, Shane wasn’t a part of the Montreal Voyageurs lineup.
“What?” He sounded so confused. Shane didn’t blame him.
“I don't play for Montreal anymore.”
The only thing he could hear was the quiet sound of Ilyas' breath.
“They traded me to Ottawa. I’m a Centaur now.”