Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Montagues

• Romeo “Emotional Parasite” Montague
• Lord and Lady “What Son?” Montague
• Benvolio Montague, local therapist and owner of a brain.
• Literally no one else matters ig there’s balthasar but no one cares about him

Capulets

• Juliet “I will throw myself at the first man who is vaguely my age” Capulet, local 13 year old. Rented her brain, but she had to return it after one scene. 
• Lord “I Have Anger Issues” Capulet
• Lady “Wine Mom” Capulet
• Nurse, she’s just there. 
• Tybalt “I Like to Stab People” Capulet.

Unaffiliated

• Prince “I hate my job” Escalus, owner of a brain
• Friar Lawrence, local owner of a brain except when it comes to emotional health.
• Mercutio, local fuckboy
• Paris “Paul Rudd” Paris

Chapter Text

(Enter the chorus. They just show up twice. Personally, I think the Chorus should either be Prince Escalus or made up of everyone that survived this mess.)

Chorus: Alright, buckle up because this is gonna be one hell of a tale. Romeo and Juliet? Yeah they’re crazy and in love. Their families? They hate each other. And their lOvE tRaNsCeNdS tHeIr FaMiLy’S hAtReD. Or at least Shakespeare would like you to think so. 

But anyway, this is gonna be CRAZY and yall are gonna be wowed at just the sheer absurdity of it all. I do not envy your situation at all. Enjoy this ride.

Chapter Text

Random Capulet: Bro you suck

Random Montague: No. But you know what sucks? Your chocolate rum cake.

Random Capulet: OH WE’RE GOIN THERE?!

Random Montague: oh heck yeah we are. FIGHT ME

Random Capulet: I WILL

(Randoms Capulet and Montague fight. Enter Benvolio)

Benvolio: Guys seriously. This is so dumb just stop

Capulet: That's what you think. He dissed my chocolate rum cake.

Montague: I’m just telling the truth! And the truth is that your cake tastes like dirt! 

(Enter Tybalt)

Tybalt: What are we doin here, fellas?

Benvolio: I’m trying to stop this fight. Wanna help?

Tybalt: Why would I do that when I could just fight. 

Benvolio: What

Tybalt: On garde!

Benvolio: It’s en garde. 

Tybalt: So what?

(Tybalt and Benvolio fight. Enter Lord Montague and Capulet and their wives, and various other Capulets and montagues fighting.)

Lord Capluet: i'm fighting

Lady Capulet: With what? Your old age?

Lord Capulet: Um rude. 

(Enter Prince Escalus in all his glory)

Prince: What the actual heck is going on. No seriously. This fighting thing is ridiculous on so many levels. First of all, we got a guy over here fighting with a chicken leg, another person with I don’t even know what that is. And SECOND. THIS HAS BEEN THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK I’VE HAD TO BREAK UP A BRAWL. And next time there is a fight, you all are going to pay. Lord Capulet, you’re coming with me.

Montague: Oooooooooo Lord Capulet’s in trouble!

Prince: YOU BETTER HUSH IT, MONTAGUE. YOU’RE NEXT.

(exit everyone except Benvolio and Lord Montague.)

Montague: What on earth happened

Benvolio: There was a fight

Montague: Yeah, I gathered that. By the way, where's my son?

Benvolio: Romeo? Oh he’s off somewhere. Being edgy or something. 

Montague: Still? What’s he even doing?

Benvolio: Beats me.

(Enter Romeo Montague)

Benvolio: Look, there he is. Lemme just talk to him for you. 

Montague: Good luck with that.

(Exit Montague. It is now a therapy session.)

Benvolio: Hey Romeo. Fine day today, isn’t it?

Romeo: Life is short and all it is is pain for me

Benvolio: …

Romeo: I JUST WANNA MMM. Ya know what I mean?

Benvolio: I don’t…

Romeo: BUT THIS GIRL. SHE’S LIKE CHASTE OR SOMETHING.

Benvolio: Okay??????

Romeo: She says it means she’s not into doing things. She’s so mean, oh my goodness. Like how could she sacrifice her well-being over me. 

Benvolio: Wow um. I’m sorry that life’s sucking for you right now.

Romeo: You wouldn’t understand. Bye. 

(exit Romeo, with Benvolio running after him)

Chapter Text

(Enter Paris Rudd (Paul Rudd, but Count Paris) and Lord Capulet)

CAPULET:

This whole fighting thing’s getting outa hand. 

PARIS RUDD:

Yeah that sucks. But you know what doesn’t suck?

CAPULET: 

What?

PARIS RUDD: 

Me marrying your daughter Juliet.

CAPULET: 

But she’s not even 14. How ‘bout we wait two more years.

PARIS RUDD: 

I know plenty of girls who got married her age, and they’re pretty great wives. 

CAPULET: 

That’s my daughter you’re talking about. And aren’t you at least 20? That’s kinda messed up, dude.

PARIS RUDD: 

But like I’m Paul Paris Rudd. 

CAPULET: 

You have a point. She should marry you. You can meet her at the party I'm holding tonight. 

PARIS RUDD: 

Heck’n yes. I will swoon Juliet so much. 

(Cut to Romeo and Benvolio. And there’s Peter, resident illiterate)

PETER: 

Hey, so um can you guys read?

ROMEO: 

Yeah. I can read my own depression

PETER: 

Okay, so can I, but can you read anything else. 

ROMEO: 

Yeah…

PETER: 

Cool then read this.

ROMEO: 

Yada yada party. There’s some people coming. “My fair nieces Rosaline and”. Ya I’m not finishing reading that.

PETER:

Yo, you guys can both come to the party. So long as you’re not Montagues.

BENVOLIO: 

We should totally go. It’d be good for you. 

ROMEO: 

But we’re Montagues. We can’t go.

BENVOLIO: 

ShhhhhHHHhHHHhHh no one needs to know that. 

ROMEO: 

You have a point.

Chapter Text

(Enter Lady Capulet, Nurse, and Juliet)

LADY CAPULET:

 Hey, how would you like to marry Paris?

JULIET: 

Um what .

LADY CAPULET: 

It’ll be great! You guys would be so cute. Right, Nurse?

NURSE: 

OH MY GOODNESS, JULIET. I WOULD CRY SO MUCH TO SEE YOU GET MARRIED. AND OH PARIS. WHAT A MAN. HE’S SO LOVELY AND AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL AND NOBLE AND DID I MENTION HE’S HOT. 

LADY CAPULET: 

(rethinks her life choices)

NURSE:

You know, Juliet, I’ve always viewed you like a daughter. Ever since my own daughter died, I’ve just been so proud of you like you were my own. And it would make me so thrilled for you to get married!

JULIET: 

that’s cool and all, but—

LADY CAPULET: 

But what

JULIET: 

But…. I’d just like you to know that I’ll only like Paris as much as you’ll let me.

NURSE: 

I’LL LET YOU LOVE HIM AS HARD AS YOU CAN

LADY CAPULET: 

can you please shut up. 

NURSE: 

sorry

LADY CAPULET:

Then it’s settled. Juliet, you’ll meet Paris at our party. Enjoy yourself. 

NURSE: 

(about to say something)

LADY CAPULET: 

But not too much. 

NURSE:

(shuts mouth)

Chapter Text

(enter Romeo, Benvolio and Mercutio)

MERCUTIO:

 WHO’S READY TO PAR-TAY

ROMEO: 

I don't wanna do that. I wanna just be sad.

BENVOLIO: 

Not this again. Just c’mon, Romeo. Mercutio and I will be here. 

MERCUTIO: 

I will not at all. I am here to party and let loose.

ROMEO: 

Really? Will you let me join?

Benvolio: 

Why am I friends with you guys.

MERCUTIO: 

Because you love us. 

BENVOLIO: 

I really don’t…

MERCUTIO: 

LET’S GO PARTY!

ROMEO: 

Nah. I had a dream.

MERCUTIO: 

Oh yeah? So did I!
ROMEO: 

What was your’s?

MERCUTIO: 

THAT THAT’S A LOAD OF BS. 

BENVOLIO: 

Wow. That’s productive, Mercutio.

MERCUTIO: 

Awe, shut up. It’s fine. 

BENVOLIO: 

We’re burning daylight. Let’s just go, okay?

ROMEO: 

I think I’m gonna die. 

MERCUTIO: 

After tonight, oh heck yes you are.

Chapter Text

(Enter everyone basically cuz it’s party time)

BENVOLIO: 

okay, let’s just keep a low profile and we’ll be good to-

MERCUTIO: 

WHADDUP. IT’S ME, MERCUTIO. WHO’S UP FOR SOME FUN.

ROMEO: 

I AM!

BENVOLIO: 

Don’t encourage him, Romeo!

TYBALT: 

Oh my goodness is that a Romeo Montague I smell?! In MY PROXIMITY?! THE A U D A C I T Y.

CAPULET: 

yeah, whatcha gonna do?

TYBALT: 

Kill him

CAPULET: 

Why, nephew?

TYBALT: 

HOW DARE HE EXIST.
CAPULET:

just leave him alone.

TYBALT: 

Absolutely not.

CAPULET: 

YOU VILE, SAUCY BOY. HOW DARE YOU DISOBEY ME. BEGONE. LEAVE. I DON’T WANNA SEE YOU. 

TYBALT: 

I–

(exit Tybalt. But back to Romeo)

ROMEO, noticing Juliet: 

Oh my gosh she’s so hot. I actually cannot. I feel like i’m exploding with hormonal feelings. I must talk to her. 

(Romeo walks up to Juliet)

ROMEO: 

hey so your hand is like so hot. 

JULIET: 

Really?

ROMEO: 

My hand has got to pale in comparison to yours. 

JULIET: 

I’m sure that’s not true. I mean you’re pretty hot, so…

ROMEO: 

You wanna test it? It comes with a free kiss if it does meet your expectations.

JULIET: 

DO I!

(They hold hands)

JULIET: 

oo your hands are so soft like a baby. 

ROMEO: 

Darn it. 

JULIET: 

What’s wrong?

ROMEO: 

i really wanted to kiss you is all.

JULIET: 

well I mean, you can do that too.

(they kiss)

Nurse: 

psst, Juliet.

JULIET: 

what

NURSE: 

your mama wants to talk to you.

JULIET:

ugh fine. 

(exit Juliet)

ROMEO: 

what’s her name

NURSE: 

Juliet Capulet.

ROMEO: 

(Grabs a drink. Drinks it. Spits it out) WHAT

NURSE: 

yeah. Anyway you better go. It’d be kinda bad if you stayed around. And your friends have already left.

ROMEO: 

oh yeah, my friends. Okay bye

(exit Romeo. Enter Juliet)

JULIET: 

okay, so who was that that I just kissed?

NURSE: 

Romeo Montague.

JULIET: 

what have i done

NURSE: 

yeah, I think it’s time we have a little chat about letting our emotions override our logic now.

Chapter Text

(Enter the Chorus)

CHORUS:

So Romeo and Juliet are super in love, but uh oh, they can’t be seen together. Except for Romeo jumping over walls (very creepy, stalker-like) to see Juliet. And Juliet just sneaking out. 

BUT THEY CAN’T SEE EACH OTHER. It’s so very tragic and everything, kinda the point of the whole play. 

But at least Romeo’s gotten over Rosaline. Unfortunately, now Juliet has to deal with this parasite of a human. But she’s into that sort of thing…. To each their own I suppose. Anyway, now we are irrelevant and will never show up again. Adieu.

Chapter Text

(Enter Mercutio and Benvolio)

MERCUTIO: 

Where’d Romeo go?

BENVOLIO: 

I dunno. Call out to him, Mercutio.

MERCUTIO: 

OH, ROMEO! YOU WANNA SEE ROSALINE? SHE’S REALLY HOT!

BENVOLIO: 

Not like that! 

MERCUTIO: 

SHE’S REALLY HOT. AND SHE’S HERE! COME OUT!

BENVOLIO: 

Mercutio, shut up!

MERCUTIO: 

Oh please, it’s not like I’m saying SOMEONE’S HAVING SEX WITH HER. 

BENVOLIO: 

This is so dumb. Let’s just go.

MERCUTIO: 

MWAH MWAH MWAH. I’M ROMEO AND I LOVE YOU, ROSALINE! 

MERCUTIO:

... 

MERCUTIO: 

This isn’t fun. Let’s go, Benvolio.

BENVOLIO: 

Wow, what a brilliant idea.

Chapter Text

(Enter Romeo)

ROMEO: 

Oh, who needs friends when you have a girl who kissed you once. I’m so desperately in love with her. If only she would come out and let me show my true love for her. I mean my loins are just about to explode outa my pants.

(Enter Juliet)

ROMEO: 

It’s her! It’s her! It’s her! She’s there! Oh my goodness in the flesh! I do not think I can actually handle this!

(Juliet sighs, Romeo loses it)

JULIET: 

Oh Romeo. Why do you have to be a Montague? If only you weren’t.

ROMEO: 

I WON’T BE A MONTAGUE FOR YOU, MY LADY. 

JULIET: 

(screams) WHO ARE YOU?

ROMEO: 

No one, my lady, because you hate my name, and so do I by the Laws of Simping. 

JULIET: 

Ooo a mysterious boy. 

ROMEO, in “smooth” Jr High schoolboy fashion: 

Oh yeah. That’s me, Mr Mysterious Montague.

JULIET: 

Romeo!

ROMEO: 

crap

JULIET: 

Oh, I’m so glad you’re here! But how’d you get here?

ROMEO: 

Through love! And also I just looked in every window to find you.

JULIET: 

That’s kinda creepy, but I’m really into that. No boy has ever been that dedicated to me. Especially after we just met.

ROMEO:

You’ve been in love before?

JULIET:

Nope. I’ve never liked anyone or had anyone like me.

ROMEO:

Oh…

JULIET:

Just so you know, if my family sees you, they’re gonna kill you.

ROMEO: 

Yeah, but I don’t really care.

JULIET: 

That’s really hot. Let’s get married. 

ROMEO: 

Okay!

Chapter Text

(enter Friar Lawrence)

FRIAR LAWRENCE: 

Plants, my babies. I am such a proud Plant Papa.

(enter Romeo)

ROMEO: 

Friar! Friar!

(Romeo collapses on the floor)

FRIAR LAWRENCE: 

I–

ROMEO: 

I just had the best night ever. 

FRIAR LAWRENCE: 

You don’t look like you slept at all. Were you up with Rosaline?

ROMEO: 

Who?

FRIAR LAWRENCE: 

Not again…

ROMEO: 

Oh, Rosaline! Yeah, no, I’m in love with Juliet Capulet and we kinda need you to get us married. In secret. Cuz otherwise we’ll get in trouble.

FRIAR LAWRENCE: 

Wow. Um. That's a lot to unpack. You literally just got over Rosaline in three seconds, and moved onto a different girl. Are you sure you love her? Are you sure she even loves you?

ROMEO: 

Oh yes. I can feel it in my bones that I love her.

FRIAR LAWRENCE, aside: 

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not the only place. 

ROMEO: 

And she was the one who suggested getting married.

FRIAR LAWRENCE: 

The Lord really cursed us with two of you. 

ROMEO: 

So will you marry us?

FRIAR LAWRENCE: 

Well, I doubt this could go disastrously wrong… and it could stop this whole feuding… so, sure. 

ROMEO: 

YES. THANK YOU!

(Romeo runs out, and falls over)

FRIAR LAWRENCE: 

How about you take a nap first.

ROMEO: 

NAH

Chapter Text

MERCUTIO: 

Where’s Romeo?

BENVOLIO: 

I dunno. But Tybalt’s out looking for him, too.

MERCUTIO: 

Ugh. Why’s Tybalt looking for him?

BENVOLIO: 

Because he wants to fight him I guess????

MERCUTIO: 

Romeo’s so dead. 

BENVOLIO: 

Mercutio! That’s so mean!

MERCUTIO: 

Benvolio, do you really believe Romeo Montague can really beat Tybalt Capulet in a fight?

BENVOLIO: 

What makes Tybalt so special?

MERCUTIO: 

Nothing, except that he’s A SKILLED SWORDSMAN. 

BENVOLIO: 

Oh yeah. 

MERCUTIO: 

Romeo is going to be creamed. 

BENVOLIO: 

Shut up, Mercutio. Romeo’s coming.

(Enter Romeo)

MERCUTIO: 

OH, BONJOUR, ROMEO! 

Romeo: 

What?

MERCUTIO: 

That’s French for “Where the heck have you been, you jerkwad”?

BENVOLIO: 

that’s not what that means–

ROMEO: 

You know French?

MERCUTIO: 

Oui. 

ROMEO: 

Yes?

MERCUTIO: 

Yes. Answer the question.

ROMEO: 

Well, I had important business to do.

MERCUTIO: 

Doing something or some one?

ROMEO: 

That’s mature. 

MERCUTIO: 

tHaT’s MaTuRe.

BENVOLIO: 

Can you guys stop for five seconds?

MERCUTIO: 

Nah. So Romeo, how’d it go? 

ROMEO: 

That’s none of your business. And besides, nothing happened.

MERCUTIO: 

Uh-huh. Sure. I can feel the sexual vibes radiating off of you. Spill it. What’d you do last night? Or rather who?

ROMEO: 

Nothing. 

MERCUTIO: 

Nothing? (Heh. Shakespeare-appropriate sex joke)

ROMEO: 

NOT LIKE THAT. 

MERCUTIO: 

Benvolio, you talk to Romeo, I’m too tired for this. 

BENVOLIO: 

Don’t bring me into this!

(Enter Nurse and Peter)

MERCUTIO: 

Oh, wow she thick

BENVOLIO: 

Mercutio, once again, you cannot say things like that in public. 

MERCUTIO: 

No, like actually. Not in a sexual way.

BENVOLIO: 

Well, that’s a first.

NURSE: 

Greetings, gentlemen!

MERCUTIO: 

Good lusty day to you!

NURSE: 

Excuse me?!

MERCUTIO: 

Lusty lusty lusty!

NURSE: 

Okay then. Can any of you tell me where Romeo is?

MERCUTIO: 

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, ROMEO!

ROMEO: 

Uh, I am called Romeo. 

NURSE: 

Cool, I’d like to have a little chat with you.

ROMEO: 

Oh okay.

BENVOLIO: 

You’re going to ditch us again?! We’re going to have lunch at your dad’s, or are you skipping that, too?

ROMEO: 

Just go on without me. 

(Exit Benvolio and Mercutio)

NURSE: 

My lady Juliet–

ROMEO: 

JULIET!

NURSE: 

Keep your pants on. Juliet would like to marry you. What’s the plan?

ROMEO: 

Friar Lawrence is gonna marry us. Just bring her by in the afternoon. 

NURSE: 

Cool. Bye. 

ROMEO: 

Wait what?! That’s it?!

NURSE: 

Yup. Did you expect anything else?

ROMEO: 

I guess not.

Chapter Text

(Enter Juliet)

JULIET: 

Ughhhhhh when is that Nurse coming back home? She’s been out for hours and I can’t wait this much longer. 

(enter Nurse)

JULIET: 

Nurse! What did Romeo say?

NURSE: 

I gotta sit down. I’m so tired.

JULIET: 

Tell me!!!!!

NURSE: 

Jeez, Juliet! I’m out of breath!

JULIET: 

Oh, really, then why are you still breathing?

NURSE: 

I don’t even know what to say.

JULIET: 

Tell me what Romeo said! Or I’ll tear out your lungs.

NURSE: 

That’s aggressive.

JULIET:

Answer the question, old woman.

NURSE:

Okay! Okay! Fine! Romeo says, like any gentleman says, where’s your mother?

JULIET: 

That’s what he said?!

NURSE: 

No. Where’s your mother, Juliet.

JULIET: 

THAT DOESN’T MATTER. SHE COULD BE DEAD AND I WOULDN’T CARE. JUST TELL ME WHAT ROMEO SAID. 

NURSE: 

Wow um. Okay. So are you allowed to go to confession?

JULIET: 

YES! 

NURSE: 

Well, if you go, Friar Lawrence has a certain person waiting for you to marry him!

JULIET: 

It’s not Paris, is it?

NURSE: 

(sigh) No. It’s Romeo.

JULIET: 

EEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Thank you! 

(exit Juliet)

Chapter Text

FRIAR LAWRENCE: 

Where’s Juliet

ROMEO: 

RIGHT THERE

(Enter Juliet)

ROMEO: 

JULIET! IT’S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I’VE SEEN YOU!

JULIET: 

ROMEO! It’s been only 7 hours and I feel like it’s been an eternity!

FRIAR LAWRENCE: 

(aside) Every day I thank the lord that I am a friar. I do not understand these people.

ROMEO: 

We’re ready to get married!

FRIAR: 

What are you two doing?

ROMEO: 

Holding hands.

FRIAR LAWRENCE: 

Premarital hand holding in MY cell?

ROMEO:

…

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

You can be all lovey-dovey, but premarital hand holding? That’s where I draw the line!

ROMEO:

what

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

 Are you sure you really want to get married?

JULIET: 

Yes!

FRIAR LAWRENCE: 

This is a huge step. Most people wait at least a week or so until getting married. 

ROMEO and JULIET: 

Just get us married. 

FRIAR LAWRENCE: 

Fine.

Chapter Text

(enter Mercutio and Benvolio)

BENVOLIO:

Mercutio, we should go. It’s really hot and I need to hydrate. Also Tybalt’s coming and I really don’t want to deal with him anymore this week.

MERCUTIO:

HEY TYBALT.

BENVOLIO:

mercutio, what did i just say?

(enter Tybalt)

TYBALT: 

Yes?

MERCUTIO:

Your feet stink. And so do you.

TYBALT:

YOU TAKE THAT BACK.

MERCUTIO:

FIGHT ME, COWARD

BENVOLIO:

How would you even know how his feet smell? Ya know what, I don’t think I want to know.

(they start to fight, enter Romeo)

ROMEO:

Hey guyyssss… what’s going on here?

BENVOLIO:

They’re fighting. 

ROMEO:

Ah. How bout you guys don’t fight?

(Romeo intervenes)

MERCUTIO:

Move outa the way, Romeo!

ROMEO:

No, stop

TYBALT: 

Here, I’ll help.

 (Tybalt brings his sword to Romeo, almost to shove him aside, but instead stabs Mercutio)

MERCUTIO: 

OW THAT HURT! You missed Romeo!

TYBALT:

Haha!

BENVOLIO:

Mercutio! Are you okay?!

MERCUTIO:

Perfectly fine. Just a scratch.

BENVOLIO:

You are literally bleeding out, mercutio. 

MERCUTIO:

THEN WHY’D YOU ASK IF I WAS OKAY?

BENVOLIO:

Because I’m your friend.

MERCUTIO:

For the record: you Capulets and Montagues suck. Really suck . Now I’m gonna die.

(Mercutio dies)

ROMEO:

Tybalt, I’m gonna kill you!

TYBALT:

What

(Tybalt and Romeo fight. Somehow Romeo, with far less experience, wins and Tybalt dies.)

BENVOLIO:

Romeo, run! Get outa here!

ROMEO:

Isn’t that illegal? I just murdered a man and I’m running away?

BENVOLIO:

Legality isn’t important right now.

(exit Romeo. Enter Prince Escalus, Lady Capulet, and Lord Montague, and whoever else wants to join the “Oh no look what happened here” party)

PRINCE ESCALUS:

What’s happened here?

LADY CAPULET:

My nephew is dead!

PRINCE ESCALUS:

I have eyes, Lady Capulet. I’m not blind. But what happened? Benvolio, do you know?

BENVOLIO:

Well you see, Tybalt killed your relative Mercutio. And Romeo killed Tybalt.

LORD CAPULET:

How can we trust him?! He’s a Montague!

BENVOLIO:

I’m not finished!!!!
LORD CAPULET: 

Get on with it then! I have a nephew to avenge!

BENVOLIO:

Mercutio and Tybalt were fighting, and Romeo tried to stop them. But Tybalt stabbed and killed Mercutio. Then, to bring justice to Mercutio, Romeo fought Tybalt.

LADY CAPULET:

How can we trust that he isn’t lying to make the Montagues look good?

BENVOLIO:

I promise. I swear on my life.

LADY CAPULET:

Then perish

LORD CAPULET:

If Benvolafweoianfoiisoio is telling the truth, then you have to execute Romeo!

PRINCE ESCALUS:

I know I just decreed that I would kill anyone that started a fight, but I’m feeling generous. I’ll only banish Romeo from Verona.

LORD MONTAGUE:

What?!?!?!?!?!?!? That isn’t fair!

LORD CAPULET:

You think it’s isn’t fair?! It’s unjust to Tybalt!

PRINCE ESCALUS:

That is my final decision. Nothing will change it. I’m tired of all this feuding. Something’s gotta end it.

LADY CAPULET:

Then kill Romeo! That will put an end to this feuding!

PRINCE ESCALUS:

Will it????

Chapter Text

(enter Juliet)

JULIET:

Mmmm romeo. He’s so hot.

(enter Nurse)

NURSE:

He’s dead! He’s dead!

JULIET:

Who? ROMEO?!

NURSE:

He killed Tybalt!

JULIET:

Tybalt and Romeo are dead?!

NURSE:

No! Romeo killed Tybalt. Romeo’s completely fine.

JULIET:

Oh, thank goodness

NURSE:

Uh, what?

JULIET:
I mean–oh, my poor cousin…(fake sniffle)...how tragic that he died… 

NURSE:

Oh, I forgot, Romeo’s banished now.

JULIET, sobbing:

THE WORLD IS CRUEL AND ALL PAIN.

(meanwhile, with Friar Lawrence and Romeo)

ROMEO, sobbing on the floor:

Life is agony and pain. I would rather be dead than be away from Juliet

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

You’ve known her for three days. Pull yourself together.

ROMEO:

Well, excuse me and my undeveloped brain for being upset!

(enter Nurse)

NURSE:

Uhh… did I come at a bad time…?

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

No, not at all. Romeo’s just crying on the floor.

NURSE:

Yeah, Juliet’s sobbing on the floor, too.

ROMEO:
How is Juliet?!

NURSE:

Sobbing on the floor over not being with you.

ROMEO, sobbing:

OH MY PAIN HAS CAUSED HER PAIN! WHYYYYY?!?!?!?!??

NURSE:

But she’ll be fine….eventually…

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Really?

NURSE:

Thinking about it, probably not.

ROMEO:

HOW WILL I LIVE WITHOUT HER?!

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Stop crying. You’re acting like a girl.

NURSE:

Well, i don’t think we need to bring sexism into this

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

(to Nurse) Yes we do. It adds character. 

(To Romeo) Pull yourself together! Go be a man and be with your wife! 

ROMEO:

Yessir!

(exit Romeo)

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

See? It adds character!

NURSE:

Mhm. Sure.

Chapter Text

(enter Paris Rudd and Capulet)

PARIS RUDD:

Hey, Capulet, how’s it been?

CAPULET:

Juliet’s been sobbing like crazy ever since her cousin’s death.

PARIS RUDD:

Oh, they must have been really close, then.

CAPULET:

Not really. I never saw them talk to each other, actually. Wait…did they even know they were related?

PARIS RUDD: 

Oh jeez!

CAPULET:

And she’s been repeating “romeo” over and over again…

PARIS RUDD:

That’s odd…

CAPULET:

She must be angry at him for killing Tybalt.

PARIS RUDD:

That makes sense.

CAPULET:

Anyway, I know just what will cheer her up!

PARIS RUDD:

What?

CAPULET:

You marrying her! Tomorrow!

PARIS RUDD:

Don’t you think that’d be a little rude considering Tybalt just died like an hour ago?

CAPULET:

True…How about Thursday, then?

PARIS RUDD:

That’s in two days! 

CAPULET:

Yeah! We’ll have a nice big party!

PARIS RUDD:

Woah, people might think it’s a funeral party for Tybalt. If anyone finds out it’s just a wedding, we’ll look really bad.

CAPULET:

True…we’ll just invite a few people.

PARIS RUDD:

Yeah, just some close family, nothing too big…what’s that?

CAPULET:

(holding a comically long list) The guest list of a few hundred people we’re inviting.

PARIS RUDD:

Oh, you meant a few hundred   people.

CAPULET:

That's a few people, isn't it?

PARIS RUDD:

Uh, yeah! Sounds great! I wish it could be sooner.

CAPULET:

I could change it to be on Wednesday.

PARIS RUDD:

No no no! You don’t need to do that! We’ve got all the time in the world! Let’s just keep it on Thursday. Thursday’s got a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

CAPULET:
Fair point. Thursday it is!

Chapter Text

(Exit Romeo from Juliet’s room after doing something the previous night. Consummating a marriage who??? I wouldn’t know about that.)

(Enter Lady Capulet)

LADY CAPULET:

What the actual fuck are you doing by the balcony, Juliet?

JULIET, nervous cackling:

Funny you should say that…

LADY CAPULET:

Whatever. Your dad’s coming soon to tell you something.

JULIET:

What?

LADY CAPULET:

You’re getting married to Paris Rudd!

(Enter Capulet, unknown to Juliet)

JULIET:

Ew!

LADY CAPULET:

Why “ew”? Paris is tall, handsome, and he has stature.

JULIET:

He’s also like 10 years older than me. I’d honestly rather marry Romeo Montague than Paris Rudd.

CAPULET:

YOU’D WHAT ?!?!?!?!?

JULIET:

I…uh…It’s not what you think!

CAPULET:

No daughter of mine will say that about the amazing Paris Rudd! You have dishonored me!

JULIET:

Why don’t you just marry him yourself if you love him so much!

CAPULET:

Because–

JULIET:

That was a rhetorical question.

CAPULET:

Just go marry Paris Rudd. It’s not like there’s anyone else you could marry.

JULIET:

(aside) That’s what you think.

CAPULET:

Excuse me?!

JULIET:

That was an aside! You're not supposed to hear me! Did you not see the parenthesis???

CAPULET:

my mistake.

JULIET:

so I don't have to marry Paris now, right?

CAPULET:

oh you're still marrying him, or I'm throwing you out.

JULIET:

What?! You can't do that!

CAPULET:

I can and I will.

(exit Capulet)

JULIET:

He can't be serious!

LADY CAPULET:

Don't look at me. I don't care. I'm just the messenger.

(exit Lady Capulet)

JULIET:

Fine then! I'll go cook up a plot to get out of this mess! It'll be the best scheme ever and you'll be sorry!

(everyone doubted that)

Chapter Text

(enter Paris Rudd and Friar Lawrence)

PARIS RUDD:

So Juliet’s like really sad– sobbing on the floor sad– about Tybalt’s death. They didn’t even know each other at all. It’s kinda crazy, but grief just transcends familiarity, I suppose. Anyway, her dad has agreed to get us married really soon to stop her from sobbing. 

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

I’m sorry, what? You lost me at Juliet sobbing on the floor because of Tybalt. 

PARIS RUDD:

Well, yes. Who else would she be sobbing about?

FRIAR LAWRENCE, sweating:

Absolutely no one else! Heh!

(Enter Juliet)

PARIS RUDD:

Hello, wife!

JULIET:

Um what. I’m not married to you.

PARIS RUDD:

You will be on Thursday.

JULIET:

That’s what you think.

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

(Spits out tea that magically appeared) okay, then

PARIS RUDD:

So are you coming to talk about us getting married?

JULIET:

You wish I was.

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Will you excuse us? Juliet and I have important business to get to.

PARIS RUDD:

Oh, me? Of course! I’d hate to be rude! Bye, Juliet! See you on Thursday!

(exit Paris Rudd in the most awkward fashion for everyone involved)

JULIET:

I can’t marry him! Have you seen him? He’s like a piece of bread! A stale piece of bread at that!

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Oh, I know. Talking to him for a minute has taken a decade off my life. 

JULIET:

What do I do????

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Don’t worry, I have a plan. All you have to do is take this poison that will make it look like you’re dead for some time. And I’ll send a letter to Romeo about the whole plan– because sending messages is so reliable. And then you guys can be reunited and run off together into the sunset or whatever you kids do these days…

JULIET:

This seems like a well thought-out plan.

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Thanks! I just came up with it on the fly. I guess my improvisation skills are just great.

JULIET:

This is a pretty easy plan.

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

All you have to do is go home and say you’ll marry Paris.

JULIET:

Ooooo. I dunno about that…That’s a stretch, even for me.

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Have you met your parents? They’ll buy anything.

JULIET:

Good point.

Chapter Text

(Enter Juliet, Capulet, and Lady Capulet)

JULIET:

I’ll marry Paris. 

CAPULET AND LADY CAPULET:

That’s wonderful!

JULIET:

Yeah, I know.

CAPULET:

Let’s get you married right now!!!!

JULIET:

U m 

LADY CAPULET:

Don’t be stupid.

CAPULET:

That’s kinda hard, though.

JULIET:

I’m gonna go to sleep now.

LADY CAPULET:

You want Nurse to come and tuck you in?

JULIET:

NO!

CAPULET AND LADY CAPULET:

???

JULIET:

Uh…I mean…no thanks. I need beauty rest. And besides, I’m grown up. I can go to bed by myself.

LADY CAPULET:

Absolutely. Good night!

JULIET:

Night. 

(exit Capulet and Lady Capulet)

JULIET:

WAIT. I’LL BE BURIED WITH TYBALT’S ROTTING CORPSE.

JULIET:

…

JULIET:

Oh, well. It’s fine. 

(she drinks the poison)

Chapter Text

(enter Nurse)

NURSE:

OH Juliet! Time to get married!
JULIET, “dead”:

NURSE:

Juliet?

JULIET, still “dead”:

NURSE:

Juliet?!

(Nurse screams. Enter Capulet and Lady Capulet)

CAPULET:

What’s going on?!

NURSE:
JULIET’S DEAD!!!

LADY CAPULET:

On her wedding day!?!?!

(Enter Paris Rudd and Friar Lawrence)

PARIS RUDD, sing-songy:

OH, JULIET! MY LOVELY BRIDE-TO-BE!!!

CAPULET:

CAN’T YOU SEE SHE’S DEAD?!

PARIS RUDD:

 W h a t ? !

(communal sobbing session/group therapy???? Unfortunately, Benvolio is not around, so Friar Lawrence must do his best to fill in the position of Local Therapist.)

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

So sad, let’s hold a funeral.

LADY CAPULET:

Yes.

CAPULET:

What a waste of money just for her to die! I got musicians and everything.  

LADY CAPULET:

You did not.

CAPULET:

I did. And I won’t waste that money. Play the music!

MUSICIANS:

We only know how to play happy wedding songs…

CAPULET:

What do you think I am? A musician? Just make it sound depressing or something! Aren’t you professionals?

MUSICIANS:

Of course. Only the finest.

(The musicians play medieval and depressive sounding ‘Despacito’. Is that meme dead? Who cares? These characters don’t know what ‘Despacito’ is. Or memes. It’s fine. This is getting too meta anyway.)

Chapter Text

(enter Romeo)

ROMEO:

I may be exiled and away from Juliet, but ya know, life couldn’t get better. I just had a dream that Juliet saved me from dying and if that doesn’t prove how healthy our co-dependent relationship is, I don’t know what will.

(Enter Balthasar)

BALTHASAR:

Hey, Romeo, I have some news for you.

ROMEO:

Good news?

BALTHASAR:

Yeah. Juliet’s dead.

ROMEO:

A;JFIOWEJNNAF;INNWEI;OA

BALTHASAR:

Come again?

ROMEO:

AIOWENFAO;IWEJIOJ. I NEED POISON.

BALTHASAR:

Whatever you need.

(they go to an apothecary.)

ROMEO:

GIVE ME THE STRONGEST POISON

APOTHECARY:

How emotionally stable are you?

ROMEO:

EXTREMELY UNSTABLE.

APOTHECARY:

I’d love to help you and all that, but uhhhhhh yeah no. It’s illegal anyway.

ROMEO:

Look, you’re poor and need the money. Just give me the poison.

APOTHECARY:

Welp, can’t argue with that. Here’s your poison.

ROMEO:

THANK YOU. 

(exit Romeo)

APOTHECARY:

I’m going to regret that, aren’t I?

BALTHASAR:

Nah. He’ll be fine. 

(he is extremely wrong.)

Chapter Text

(enter Friar Lawrence and Friar John.)

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

How did sending Romeo’s letter go?

FRIAR JOHN:

Oh, I wasn’t able to send it.

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Why not?

FRIAR JOHN:

I got caught in the middle of the plague and had to quarantine.

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Haha, very funny.

FRIAR JOHN:

I’m not joking. The plague is not a joke.

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Are you serious? You didn’t send Romeo that letter?!

FRIAR JOHN:

Dead serious.

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

You say “dead serious” when people have literally died from the plague.

FRIAR JOHN:

I fail to see how this is related?

FRIAR LAWRENCE:
You really couldn’t find any way to send that letter??!!

FRIAR JOHN:

You sound angry, Larry…

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Do I?! Have you had to deal with two emotionally unstable, lovesick teenagers in the span of less than a week?! And on top of that, a whole family feud?!

FRIAR JOHN:

That’s oddly specific…

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

That’s what I thought. If Romeo finds out Juliet’s dead he’s going to flip out and do who knows what. And no one is going to be there when Juliet’s awake! 

FRIAR JOHN:

Why do I care again?

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

This is all a whole mess that now I have to deal with myself because you couldn’t send a letter!

(Exit Friar Lawrence)

FRIAR JOHN:

I feel like you could have done that the first time around…

FRIAR LAWRENCE, offstage:

DO NOT EVEN TRY ME, JOHN.

Chapter Text

(enter Romeo, Balthasar, Paris Rudd, and Page)

PARIS RUDD:

Oh, Juliet, my lovely bride not-to-be. How could you die like this.

PAGE:

Sire.

PARIS RUDD:

Can’t you see I’m having a moment with my not-bride here?

PAGE:

Look.

PARIS RUDD:

Is that Romeo Montague?

PAGE:

Yeah…Wait where are you going?

(Paris Rudd walks over to Romeo)

PARIS RUDD:

You! Romeo Montague! What are you doing here, you disgrace?

ROMEO:

I just came here to mourn Juliet and I’m honestly feeling attacked right now. 

PARIS RUDD:

And?

ROMEO:

Well you’re gonna have to pay for that, now.

PARIS RUDD:

How?

ROMEO:

Your life.

(Romeo chucks his sword at Paris Rudd.He shoots…he scores!)

PARIS RUDD:

I-I’m dying????

ROMEO:

Bye bye.

PARIS RUDD:

Lay me beside Juliet, so I may die beside her…

( Paul Paris Rudd dies D: )

ROMEO:

Sure. Okay. you can lay next to my dead wife.

(Romeo notices it’s Paris Rudd)

ROMEO:

WAIT THAT’S PARIS RUDD?!?!?!

PARIS RUDD, revived:

WHO ELSE WOULD IT BE?!

(Paris Rudd goes back to being dead. Romeo goes into the Capulet tomb.)

ROMEO:

Oh, Juliet. Even in death you are so beautiful.

JULIET:

(coughs)

ROMEO:

Oh, a cough of death. Do not worry, love, I will come with you.

JULIET, quietly:

Romeo, wait, no

ROMEO:

Hush. Stop making noises. You’re dead, my lady.

(Romeo toasts with his poison and drinks it)

ROMEO:

Only a few more seconds and we shall be reunited.

JULIET:

Romeo…

ROMEO:

Can you stop talking? You’re making it really hard to mourn you right now.

(Romeo dies)

JULIET:

What the actual heck?!

(enter Friar Lawrence in a panic.)

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

OH DEAR. PARIS RUDD IS DEAD. AND SO IS ROMEO?!

JULIET:

Friar? I though–

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Come quickly, Juliet. We must leave now. People are coming.

JULIET:

Nah. 

(Juliet dies too)

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Did she just “nah” her way to death?

(Enter Prince Escalus, Lord Capulet, Lady Capulet, and Lord Montague)

LORDS AND LADY CAPULET:

What’s going on here?!

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Well, people are dead. As you can see by the three people who are laying on the floor, not breathing.

PRINCE ESCALUS:

How do I always get myself into these situations…

CAPULET:

Is that my daughter by a Montague?!

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Yes, you see they were in love.

LADY CAPULET:

Awe, that’s so sweet. I can’t wait to tell everyone about it.

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Your children are dead. Don’t you care?

MONTAGUE:

First my wife dies and now my son…

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Okay, at least one of you cares.

MONTAGUE:

How can we memorialize this horrific event in the most romanticized way?

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

Wait no–

CAPULET:

We’ll build a statue of our children’s dying love!

FRIAR LAWRENCE:

They just died in a really horrific way–

MONTAGUE:

Brilliant! That way, as long as everyone knows Verona, they’ll always remember our children’s love!

PRINCE ESCALUS:

You really can’t think of anything else except how you can milk this out?! Disgusting. I can’t believe this. You do understand that because of what you plan to do, it will affect how people view this whole story? I mean, people in the future are going to retell this story and tell it like some grand, ultimate gesture of romance! Your children died because you two couldn’t stop fighting, so they felt that they had no choice but to die! That’s horrible! Do you really want that?!

MONTAGUE AND CAPULET:

Absolutely.

(exit everyone)